Loneliness is tough.

Loneliness while preferring to be alone is even tougher. And more awkward to be sure.

It might sound weird, but I’m sure others relate. I love being alone. Like, so love it. I don’t need to impress anyone.

I can be super lazy. Watch TV. Do laundry if I want. Do anything, without being bothered. Or judged.

Sure, getting to be with friends is awesome. It’s nice to feel wanted and be with others, but after this last weekend alone with the kids, I need peace. I need quiet. I need freedom to do whatever I want without needing to tend to their every need.

I get to be Shayna the person, not Shayna the mom or Shayna the wife.

I can watch bad TV loud. I can watch gory TV. I can eat what I want.

It’s a different kind of freedom to be alone.

But despite all that awesomeness, I still get lonely. I still wish I felt like people thought about me. That anyone cared.

Deep down I know people care. I know people like me. But I don’t feel it, if that makes sense.

Like, if someone wants to hang out with someone, they think of someone else, besides me. Because I suck.

Anyways, I know this all sounds crazy. Maybe it’s my version of a cry for help. Who knows.

In the end, having such conflicted feelings stewing around inside me is challenging. I don’t know what I truly feel or what I truly want.

Today has been such a hard day, so thank you to anyone for reading my ramblings. And if you ever feel lonely, I’m always here.